Daunting

Well some time has passed and I haven't really made much headway in revisions. I can't seem to get myself to focus on it until it's time to go to bed. Then, of course, I'm suddenly overcome with various ideas and thoughts of the book, of everything I need to do, of all the possibilities. It's like my head hitting the pillow is a signal to my brain to immediately go into overdrive now that it has this comfortable resting spot. It's exhausting just trying to fall to sleep, which can take hours. Makes for rather difficult mornings. I've been decreasing the amount of time I take to get ready in the morning little by little, just to get as much extra sleep as I can. I wish my brain had eyelids, a brainlid, if you will, that I could just close over it when it's time to rest, knowing that it would stay closed until it was time to wake up again. And because it would be closed, it wouldn't be able to keep me thinking and doubting and worrying. It would just have to shut up.
Anyway, there's not much else to say about the book today. I have friends reading it who hopefully aren't thinking it's absolutely terrible, that it at least is capable of being a good book at some point in the future. I try not to think too much about that. I probably should've waited before handing it off, but I got caught up in the excitement of finishing the draft in the first place.
This is a boring post. Ta ta for now.

Pre-Revision Update

I'm supposed to be taking a break from the novel but I can't help it. I find myself sneaking a peek at it every so often, as if there's some kind of warden who might catch me and slam the laptop closed on my fingers.
I just have so many ideas for revisions. So many things I want to add and improve. That's the beauty of already having the first draft - the base is already there, now I only have to touch it up. But I'm concerned about length. It's already too long for YA and w/ all of the additions I want to add it could end up getting 3-5,000 words longer. I've only found one scene that I think I think I can cut, though doing that would force me to lengthen another scene to compensate (since I have to mention the certain plot point somewhere). I know it shouldn't matter, that the length of the book is the length of the book or whatever, so I'm trying to get rid of this nagging concern. I've read that sometimes when books get too long they're cut into two, but this doesn't really seem like a series. We'll see how things shake out.
I'm also working on the next novel idea, which I've had for a couple years as well. But I never really formed much of it since it immediately became a backburner idea. I'm ready for it now though, and look forward to getting to it, even if I don't really get to it for another couple of months.

The Beginning of Doubt

For the first day or so after finishing my novel, I was pretty ecstatic. And while I knew all of the things I still had to do to even have a hope of being published, I was feeling rather optimistic.
I am no longer feeling that way.
What if it's terrible, or at the very least, not good? What then? In my head I've already written giant red marks through dozens of things. Such as:
1) I don't think I've properly relayed a message or theme in the novel.
2) I don't think my characters have an onion amount of layers (Shrek reference, get with it).
3) I'm pretty sure I've forgotten to tie up some plot lines. And the big one:
4) I fear I've chosen a major cliche to occur in the novel, something that will turn off agents and publishers. But really it wasn't a choice. I knew right away the main character was guarding something and it only took writing to figure out what it was. Even still, maybe I should change the focus to something else...what, I have no idea. Maybe my secondary cliche of the narrator having lousy parents.
Really though, what hasn't been done these days? Aside from the off the wall fantasy stuff, which I have no interest in. There's a book on every sort of death, every sort of tragedy, every sort of teenage heartbreak event. The only differences are the angles the authors choose when writing them. It's certainly possible to take something cliche and make it original and interesting. The question is whether or not I've succeeded in doing that. Or will able to succeed in doing that based on the first draft. Time will tell.

I read in one of my numerous writing books that once you finish a project you should take a few weeks off from it so your eyes are somewhat fresh when you get back to it. So maybe things will clear up for me then, maybe the problems will stick out and solutions will come to me. Maybe it won't matter because I'll have won the lottery and will be able to take this at a more leisurely pace.
I guess the real goal now is to find a few people to read it that can give some kind of objective feedback. How terrifying. Why that's more terrifying than sending it to an agent, I don't know. I'm complicated with onion layers.

Finished

A few days ago I was an idiot, worrying about page count while using Microsoft Word. I think I only had about 160 pages at the time, maybe 150, and it didn't feel substantial enough, that number. I worried. I knew that the page number would go up when adjusted from Word to book size, but I didn't think it would be substantial.
What I should've been doing though was paying attention to word count. According to the internet, the standard size of a YA novel is 50,000 - 70,000. I don't know if I'll still fit in that category or not, as far as content goes, but I do know that my novel is 94,000 words long (219 pages in Word). It's more than long enough and if anything, it's too long. Not that that will be a problem in the editing process.
I ended up not even writing the last few scenes I had planned, mostly because the one I was working on last night seemed like the end, like the character had gotten to the point where things would be okay. She finished her arc.
And I finished the book. That's right, it's done. Aside from a million edits, of course. And constant fear of rejection. But hey, it's finished. And if anything I'll always at least know that I've finished something, something amazing enough to me.

This was my Calendar for the things that happened in the novel. It really came in handy to have everything laid out like that. The date on the calendar just shows you  how long I've been working on this and how long ago I bought it for this purpose. How it took me so many years to write the first 30 pages and the last couple of months to write the other 190 is a mystery to me.
Honestly, I'm kind of sad that I'm done writing. I had really been writing like mad these last few days. What will I do now with my time? I guess there's only one solution...
Start the next one.

Reading Problems

They say that if you want to be a writer, the second most important thing for you to do, aside from writing all the time, is read. Read a lot. And I guess that's what I'm trying to do, though it's bringing up some issues for me.
Namely, how can I ever write something as good as what I've just read? There are books I read where I think "I could've written this." And I don't mean it as a compliment. Certain books just don't seem well written to me. I don't understand how they managed to get published and find a place in my local library.
I shouldn't be so snobby to my fellow writers. But I can't help it.
Then there are times where I read a paragraph and just have to stop so I can say holy shit to myself a few times and wonder if I can ever make that much sense about something in such an eloquent way.
I know it's not a competition. I don't have to write better than anyone else in order for people to want to read my book. I just have to write well, I have to create relatable characters and a story that grabs people, that means something to them, even if only in a small way. But when I read something great it's hard to believe that I'll ever be able to do for readers what these authors have done. It's hard to believe that people won't grab my book off a shelf and wonder to themselves "how did this girl get published?" That's assuming I ever even make it to a shelf.
But I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself. The rejections will do that for me later. At least I'm writing a lot. At 180 pages now, hoping to reach 200 by tomorrow night. I should make it to 250 now I believe, before I have to start sticking things in. Or I may have the story go on longer than I originally planned. We'll see.

Flashback I've Lost My Pants

Writing is funny. One day you can sit at your computer for hours on end and write only a page or two. Other days you can sit at your computer for three hours and write 10 pages. Today in the span of 4 hours I wrote 14 pages after writing 11 yesterday. And this after being at work all day and being out during the evening. I'd say I'm on a roll. Of course, they could be terrible. That's always something I try not to think about. I could just be producing piles of crap not even fit for toilet paper (that's funny because crap is meant for toilet paper - see how good at this I am? :/)

I realized today though that I may not be including enough flashbacks into the main character's childhood. As any how-to on writing will tell you, having proper backstory for your characters is integral to making them seem like rounded, fully fleshed out characters to readers. And since their opinion obviously matters, it's something I have to work on. 

I'm kind of wondering how I want to do this though. I already know that I have to go back and add things in here and there to help get me to an acceptable length (which from a book I read is 80,000 words. I'm actually pretty close to that right now - so it must be a lie.). But it might be interesting to instead have between chapters these sections where the character flashes back to some moment in their childhood, a moment that is somewhat relevant to the following chapter. I could give them stupid names like "4th Grade: Day I Lost my Pants" and talk about that. Or "Day I Nearly Died." That sort of thing. It would be like commercial breaks for the book, but instead of trying to sell tampons I'm offering insight into how the character became a screw up. 

But there must be a reason why most authors don't go this route. Maybe it's distracting. I've already done it the normal way, throwing them in as I write, so it wouldn't be hard to continue that way. I guess I'll give it more thought.

Wow I can't believe I've managed to stay up past 2 am, when only a few hours ago I wasn't sure I'd make it further than 9 o'clock. I guess writing has become an addiction, and though I wish it had happened in college when I had more time on my hands, this will do. I can't wait to see what tomorrow's writings will bring. I haven't felt this excited about something in years! Okay, if you don't count the Reeses I ate today, or how excited I am to sleep in tomorrow, then I haven't been this excited in quite awhile!

A Matter of Length

I'm kind of a particular person. Not all the time - I can let a little clutter fester, I can put something in the wrong place every now and then. Where that OCD gets me is with numbers, particularly when length comes into play. I've always had a thing about preferring songs to be over three minutes long, or for CDs to be around 42-45 minutes. I have no idea why. Maybe because there is nothing worse than really getting into a song for it to then suddenly end, depriving you of one more chorus or another wise lyric. I love the song Vincent O'Brien by M. Ward and have to listen to it twice in a row to feel like I heard a full song. Also ok, I just love something about that man's voice, and would play the song on repeat (and his CDs on repeat) no matter their length. And yes, I have issues with songs/CDs being too long as well. Call me Goldilocks.

If you're wondering why I'm talking about this, I have no idea. This page is completely white and it freaks me out. Also, this: I worry everything I've written and still have outlined to write will barely break the 200-215 page mark, which is kind of an issue because my OCD brain wants 300 pages. Sure, there are novels that are less than 300 that are great. The Perks of Being a Wallflower belongs in that category. And there are certainly books that carry on a little longer than I would've liked. But something about not reaching 300 is just...gross. I want a book that lasts awhile, that people can't say "Oh hey I read your book in an hour yesterday." I guess that's a compliment; they couldn't put the book down it was so good! But I don't care. I want something that lasts. Not that 300 pages is even very long. It probably could be read in a pretty short amount of time. And I have no idea how Word page counts translate to book sized page counts. I didn't say my particularities were logical.

But the great thing about writing is that you never know what's going to happen while you're doing it. Having a character say one random thing can change the trajectory of an entire scene, in a way you didn't even expect when you went to write it. It's always amazing when you manage to surprise yourself with what comes out, the person who supposedly has it all planned out.

And hey if I can reach 400...cool. Three hundred is just a bridge I want to cross; I have some wiggle room before things get too long (500, unless you're Harry Potter).

139 Pages

Yesterday was pretty successful. Honestly, I really kicked some ass. I wrote 27 pages and could have written more if it wasn't 4 am. I seem to kick it into the next gear around 11 pm and on nights when I don't have anything to do the next day, it's great to be able to just keep going. 

It's crazy to me how much progress I've made in the last couple of weeks. I was stuck around page 23 for months. I didn't know how I would ever get through that part, the dull beginning of setting things up. Somehow I did and after getting through the first couple days, I've zoomed through. It's amazing the feeling of knowing I'm going to finish, that the only thing preventing it from happening quickly is that annoying thing called a job and a need for money. Damn you, adulthood!

Writing this novel for me now is kind of like those early days of being in love. You can't sleep, or eat, or really think about anything else but that person and when you'll see them next. It's the same for me now, except instead of thinking of a hunky boy while I'm contacting Fedex about lost clothes (my job), I'm thinking about how excited I am to get to my lunch break to read over what I wrote the night before. Or planning what part I'll write that night.

Now I feel kind of creepy for sounding like I'm in love with a book. Hopefully you know what I mean, internet.

I know it's too early to think about the future, the what ifs of whether the book will sell or be successful. But I can't help picturing a future where my job is simply to write, where I can work every night from 11 pm to 4 am and not worry about sitting in a cubicle all day. I'm not looking for wealth or fame; I don't need to pen the novel that will become the obsession of teens everywhere (not that I'd turn the possibility down). I only need enough success to pay the bills. 

Before that can happen, I am hoping to get a job with a publishing company soon, a job that would certainly open doors to getting to what would be my second choice of career: publishing YA novels. At least in that field it would be acceptable to always have books on the brain.

But hey, it's Sunday; the work week is creeping up. Why not allow myself to dream that maybe, just maybe, writing novels will get to be my thing?

Day Off Progress

I took today off work to get a little extra writing time in. It's really hard to be working a boring desk job when you'd much rather be sitting at your home desk writing your book. But then, there are about a million things we'd all rather do then work at our boring desk jobs.
I'm a little disappointed with my progress today, though. I wrote 14 pages but I feel like I probably should've done more. I don't know where the time went. I kind of hit a road block and ended up changing my outline a bit because things didn't seem to be falling in place. I'm not writing the kind of novel that's action packed, where someone could die at any minute. It's a coming of age novel; the things that happen are just ordinary, realistic things. It's hard to tell if I'm making these things interesting, if I'm being consistent with my tone.
I know I have revisions for that stuff. It's just hard to wait until I get to that point to put off worrying about it. I'm so eager to finish the novel, to have it ready to show to people. I'm ready to get through the hundreds of rejections so I can get to the acceptance. But it's still a long road ahead. I just need to be patient.
Luckily there are still two full weekend days to get some work done. There's nothing better than having a full day to write. I'm already excited for it!

An Introduction

I have always wanted to be an author. When I was a kid, before the internet poisoned me, I wrote my first novel by hand, filling notebooks with handwriting that has not improved at all in the last ten or so years. Before I finished it, I re-wrote it. Again by hand. When I had a computer, but still no internet, I wrote a new story, totaling over 400 pages. The point of telling you this is simply to let you know - the kid version of myself was boss and I miss her to death.
After that I stalled out. I became easily distracted. I'd write something, become obsessed with it for a few weeks, then suddenly the light would be out. Or I  would have story ideas where I'd have pages and pages of notes of what I wanted to happen in the novel, who the characters were and what they'd be like, all of that stuff. But I could never seem to get them to come to life in a novel.
But a few weeks ago I had an a-ha moment. An idea I've had simmering for nearly five years suddenly seemed like something I could put together. I have 95 pages right now, the highest I've ever made it for a novel I'm serious about (and yes, I do seem to prefer writing novels rather than shorter stories). Not only that, but I have this strange confidence that I never used to have, a certainty that somewhere down the road I will finish this beast. I will be able to say I wrote a novel and not be embarrassed when someone asks if they can read it. I'll have something that I'll be willing and eager to send to agents and editors in hopes that maybe they just might be interested in publishing it.
So that's what this blog is about. This novel and all the highs and lows, the bumps in the road. The wonder at how these people I've created seem pretty real to me and also how it's really too bad they're not. I'll probably post non novel things too since I am, as mentioned before, easily sidetracked by the internet. Hopefully it will all be worth reading.